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GUIDELINES FOR PARENTS IN FAMILY LAW CASES

The following are guidelines for divorcing or divorced parents, or parents in a parent-child relationship.  They provide guidance to you on how to behave towards one another, out of respect for your children and in satisfaction of your obligation to them as parents.  Your ability or inability to comply with these guidelines will be a factor that the 288th District Court will consider in any future action relating to the parent-child relationships at issue.

• Never discuss child support or any other ruling of this Court with your children.  It is not their concern, regardless of the child's age and regardless of who may be "right" or "wrong."  All they need to know is when they'll see Mom and when they'll see Dad.  It cannot be bad for them that they believe it may even be by agreement!
• Communicate directly with each other rather than using your children as messengers.  Be the "grown up" and never place your children in the middle.  Children should not be made to feel that they are moving between enemy camps.  If they do, they often become secretive, fearing they might say something that will either indulge a confidence or hurt someone else's feelings.  These are not concerns children should have, especially when they are dealing with their parents - people who are supposed to be there to protect them (not people who they are supposed to protect).
• Even when you think they are not listening, remember that children can hear you when you talk to others, either in person or on the phone.  Do not discuss anything that makes your "ex" look bad.  Do not ever tell your children negative things about your "ex" or give the impression that the other parent is a bad person or bad for them.  Let your children come to their own conclusions.
• Work together.  If your child needs something or if there is an issue affecting discipline, school, health, extracurricular activities, etc., discuss it openly as a family.  Think about this - if your were entering into battle, would you want the two soldiers leading your group to act as one, each building on the other's strengths, or would you feel more secure knowing that they were constantly at each other's throats?  You may think your children, especially as they grow into teenagers, don't care - but they need to know that the two people that brought them into this world are acting in their best interests as a team.  A team is so much stronger than two competing factions.  Children realize this and it impacts their feeling of stability, safety and comfort.
• If the custodial parent (managing conservator) has established certain rules in the household, the non-custodial parent (possessory conservator) should strive to enforce the same rules.  Talk about things such as bedtime, homework, discipline.   You tow may no longer be in a romantic relationship, but you will forever be parents together.  You may have been able to end your marriage, but you will never be able to end your divorce - so deal with it!
• When one parent does something wrong or makes a bad parenting choice - before you react, before you call CPS or the police or your attorney - think about this: If you were still together, how would you react to it? Realize that your reactions to the actions of your "ex" are magnified by the fact that you may be engaging in a competition of "who is the better parent."  Realize further that this competition does not exist and that your children don't need to know who is better - they need to know that they have two very good, very caring parents who love them.  It is your job, as a parent, to assure them of this - even if sometimes you have your doubts about the other parent.
• If there is a special occasion involving the other parent on a day that parents would not normally see the children, work it out so the children can be a part of the occasion.  It hurts them if they are not allowed to attend Dad's award ceremony or visit Mom in the hospital following her surgery.  Be flexible.  Be Reasonable. Be courteous and respectful towards the other parent.  Remember, you are not doing it for the other parent, you are doing it for the children.  And by the same token, by keeping your children away - you are not just hurting the other parent, you are hurting your children.
• Where geographical proximity permits, both parents should meet the children's friends and attend sports and school activities, including parent-teacher conferences.  Attendance by both makes the children feel as if both parents love them and that their parents are acting together as a team for their benefit.
• If you need assistance, do not be afraid to ask your "ex" for help - and if you are the "ex" don't hesitate to offer it if you see it is needed.  Again, you are a team and your children deserve the strength of a unified parenting tea ad they deserve to see that their parents love them enough to help each other out.
• During your periods of possession, show up on time to pick up your children or call well in advance to say you will be late.  It is unfair to your children to have to wait or to be disappointed when you don't show up when they have been excited about seeing you.  It is also disrespectful to your "ex" - and we've gone over why your children deserve for you to show your "ex" respect - it interferes with their plans and puts them in the difficult situation of covering for you.
• To further the team approach - remain in regular contact - even if it is easier to communicate through email - regarding school matters, report cards, activities, children's' interests and even little things the kids say that can mean so much.  When children understand that their parents communicate regularly, it is much more difficult for them to play one against the other.  It also reminds them that their parents are not at war, but are working together for their benefit.
• Both parents should tell their kids that they are loved, not just by them but by the other parent.  They need to hear directly from each of you that the divorce is not their fault and that you will always be there for them, as will the other parent.

In sum, it is not necessarily divorce that negatively impacts children - it is how the parents treat the situation.  You have the power to either have a positive or negative effect/influence on your children.  I urge you to have a positive influence by showing them that you love them enough to put your own feelings aside and to respect their other parent out of respect and love for them.  If you chose not to heed this advice, I can assure you that the negative impact you will have is as bad or worse than anything you believe your "ex" is capable of.

Judge Lori Massey - 288th Judicial District Court